Author Archives: Cassandra

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About Cassandra

Writing's a bit like cutting off a slice of your heart, setting it on your prettiest napkin then laying it out on the kitchen table for the world to dissect. And I can't imagine ever not doing it. I love Jesus, my big strong husband, the four kids God gave us, the people He puts in our path and the critters on this crazy little farm. It's my heart's delight and drive to write down the days as I journey with them all.

Song of Silence

We didn’t talk for almost two days. And in the silence…

…we found each other.

Of course it was my idea, to go the weekend without speaking.

“What?!” I was crazy for suggesting it he thought.

Not in a silent treatment sort of way. I assured him. Our life is just so loud. Kids, animals, phones, dishes, diapers, music, school. The sounds are just too many sometimes.

“Yeah but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk!”

But we only get one weekend right?

And if we only get this one weekend, just these two little days each year, how do we make sure our ears won’t hear those noises while we’re gone?

“Hm. Well I guess. If you really want to. If it’s time to go get a cheeseburger though I’m gonna tell you.”

So we drove in the quiet. Kids happy with the sitter. The noises falling on the ears of another for 48 sweet hours. And we just held hands.

And what he thought was going to be weird was the happiest weekend of all.

It was so quiet in the car that our love was the only thing we heard and it filled our ears with a song we’d not known before.

The problems of the week went away and the mountains on the horizon looked beautiful.

The discussions that begged our attention weren’t an option and the sunset was like no other.

The food tasted better.

The time seemed slower.

He was so handsome when I wasn’t worrying over the stain on his shirt.

He became more deliberate when he didn’t have a constant stream of woman words in his ear.

There was peace in my soul.

And we were one.

We’ve not done that since that weekend. But that one weekend of not talking,- of deciding to set down the things that screamed to be picked up – that became a place, a rest. When the foxes come and tease and threaten to destroy…to take our peace…to lesson our bond, I have the memory of that weekend and I have the skills to quiet my soul, to hush my priorities and just.get.quiet.with.him.

Our life is louder now. But that one weekend of quiet showed me where to go when it gets too noisy. It was my teaching time, a short lesson in what it means to be hushed with my love, to be still in my spirit. It showed me how to turn down the noise, mute the loudness of this life and quiet my heart to catch a moment with him so that all I hear is our song….

…of sweet silence.

Be still, and know that I am God. ~Psalm 46:10

© Cassandra Rankin

My People

It’s rare for him to lie down.

Especially in the winter.

It was our fault naturally. We couldn’t provide a good enough place for him to live. We had no idea what we were doing. If we were better at this, he’d be lying down resting and cozy all the time. Just like on the movies. But, we were inadequate and couldn’t provide him a place to be restful and cozy so therefore, he’d just always be cold.

And standing. Swaying on his feet at naptime rather than lying down for a full rest.

It was different today though.

Today when I pulled in the driveway, he was down. Not quite flat but curled up, cozy. I stopped the truck to survey. Was he hurt? Had he injured himself? Why was he down? He never lies down…

“Gracie have you seen Beau lay down recently?”

She knows his habits well.

“No, not really. Except for a couple weeks ago.”

What had happened a couple weeks ago?

“I put Charlotte in with him for the day.”

There I had it. Today, circling him, fussing over him, were his loved ones. Close by, within reach and keeping him company.

He wasn’t hurt. He wasn’t sick. He was simply comfortable in the presence of those who knew him best. He was among them and this allowed him to be completely content and relaxed enough to lie down.

He was happy. He was at ease. He was 100% himself.

He was with his people.

Er, his mares.

We learned today, our Beau, our sweet and mellow boy pony, is most at ease when he has his friends right next to him. It’s not a matter of mating, he’s gelded. But they are like him and they like him. They all know one another. And in their company, he is completely relaxed.

He is himself when he is with them.

He is loved.

And he is accepted.

They are his people.

So when I answer the phone and it’s my husband and he wants to know where we’re at, I tell him. We’re at the grocery store.

Just pulling in, I’ll call you back when I finish okay?

As I finish up, I remember to call him and dial as I pull out, heading toward my next errand.

“I thought you were at the Safeway.”

It’d just been a short stop, I explained. How was your day?

“Oh. Well, I’m here in the parking lot. I just thought I’d drop in and see you guys on my way back to the office.”

I’m miles down the road by now. The store I’m heading to closes in an hour. It’s my last stop of the day.

Why didn’t you tell me?

I’m frustrated, wishing I could’ve seen him.

I didn’t know. You need to communicate these things to me. We would’ve stayed if we would’ve known. How come you just didn’t tell me?

He didn’t think of it. We were at the store, he was just going to stop in for a minute. Just to see us. Give us a hug. Say hi.

Irritation fills the cab of my truck.

“Well, it’s okay. I’ll see you tonight.”

I scolded him a bit.

He had to get back to work.

The I love yous and see you tonights fall flat.

And as I drive, it hit me.

He just wanted to be cozy for a minute.

Wanted to take a moment out of the drain of the work day and be with the ones who love him most. To soak up the feeling of being loved… being accepted…and to let it refresh him for the rest of his day. He wanted to curl his spirit right up for a minute and be relaxed, known…

…himself.

He just wanted to be with his people.

There are people that we know so well, they are only their very true self when they are with us.

And what about our Lord? Doesn’t God know us just like that? Even better than that?

Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31

We can curl up and be cozy in that kind of being known.

We are known.

I am known.

We are His people.

Our farrier told us a horse doesn’t spend a lot of time on the ground in winter. He said when you see a horse lying down for a nap, you can bet that horse is completely relaxed and comfortable.

That was our pony today, curled up right in the middle of the hay pile and his two little girlfriends. He was so comfortable, his big little body was plunked right down, at feed time even, and he let his horsey lips tickle the snowy ground while his big brown eyelids drooped. He was sheer comfort. He was perfect content. He was himself. He was whole.

It’s not our inadequacy that keeps him from lying down. It’s not our lack of a perfectly sized heated facility. It’s not our lack of horsemanship that keeps him on his feet come naptime.

He just needs to be with those who know him best.

I call my husband back, tell him I’m sorry I forgot to call him earlier.

I’ve removed all irritation from my voice.

I was too rushed. I really would’ve loved to have seen him.

“It’s okay. I should’ve let you know. I guess I just wanted to see you guys.”

Over the cell we patch it up.

The I love you is sincere, all shortness is gone.

I’m sorry I scolded you, I tell him.

“It’s okay babe.”

My big strong husband forgives me, assures me he’s not upset.

Says he should’ve told me he was heading our way, coming to where we were.

He just didn’t think of it.

He was just going to stop in for a minute.

He just wanted to see his people.

 

God sets the lonely In families…Psalm 68:6

DECEMBER 2013 030

© Cassandra Rankin, This Crazy Little Farm

Little Princess

So I’ve been teaching the girls at church how to be a princess. And isn’t it when you teach the most you learn the most?

And how can I tell a room full of six to eleven year olds, their big eyes hanging on my every word, and not believe it myself?

I can’t.

So when He tells us right there in our Princess Manual that I’ve been adopted into His royal family, that I am His daughter which makes me an heir, that He is my King and He is enthralled by my beauty, well, when He tells us that right there and signs it all in red ink, I need to tell them. And I need to believe it too.

A princess? Me?

Them, yes. Of course them. Their sweet, precious, innocent soft faces. Their eyes big as we read together from a chapter book. Their proud smiles as they show me how hard they worked to memorize the verse I wrote for them on the board. Their faces lovely and untainted just yet by too much of what the world has to offer them. Unblemished, free of too much world-ugly.

Of course they are princesses, each and every one.

My princesses, the two that live here with me, well their Daddy calls them his Warrior Princesses. Muddy feet and messy hair and mosquito bites on their legs, they hold their big brother down and if it’s a happy day, tickle him. If it’s an angry day they might just hold him down. And their Daddy tells them a story at bedtime about two Warrior Princesses and their adventures. It’s a years-long story. And they delight in it. And deep down they know they are really the princesses in their Daddy’s story.

And how can you be a princess for ten years and know it, but then when you teach the little girls at church, you discover it all over again?

Ten years.

My mama, she acts like a princess because she’s brave and strong in her battles. My one friend, she brings love and light and beauty to everything she touches. I have another princess friend who would feed the whole world if her castle kitchen would allow it. And another is princessly by getting right to the truth of a matter. Another talks to animals and they listen. And one, well she suffered so much loss in her life you’d think her mama princess heart might just fall out of her beautiful chest one day but she somehow keeps it in there and manages to love…oh, she loves with the biggest hugs you’ve ever known and a song so beautiful you’ve never heard such a sound and a smile so bright it really could light up a city.

Yes, I know some princesses.

And now I know fifteen more. Little princesses. Jesus’ princesses.

So I’m learning, again, deep down, I’m the princess in the story.

You’re the princess in the story.

When you belong to the King, when you are daughter to the Most High, when you are no longer a foreigner or an alien, but a fellow citizen with God’s people and members of God’s household (Eph 2:19)…we get to be princesses together.

Not a Disney princess or a TV princess or a princess that has to wear a ball gown even. No, you are a princess who has a royal Daddy and He adores you and your mosquito bitten legs.

And even if you didn’t have one that told you bedtime stories when you were little…or if the bedtime stories he told were painful ones…our royal Daddy takes all that in His big strong arms and He says here, nail it all up there and leave it because I AM STRONG and I LOVE YOU and you don’t need to carry that around anymore because it’s just.too.heavy and I want You to carry around my love instead. It’s a lot lighter and I custom made you for that job and you are beautiful and you belong to me and I know you can do it.

And then He shows us how. He says I’ll show you how much I love you and I’ll show you how to live as my daughter, my princess.

We get to choose that. We get to choose to be royalty. He tells us right there in the Princess Manual, John, 1: 12 that those who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God. I get to pick Him! And then in picking Him, He shows me how He really picked me first. From the beginning of time. He’s just been waiting for me to say yes, Daddy, and traipse my muddy feet over onto His walkway where He’s waiting arms open for me to come in.

And the bedtime story, that years-long story, ten years now and finally, finally, I realize, it’s really me! He’s talking about me! Instead of Once Upon a Time though it says right now, today. This is it. You are royalty and The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (Nehemiah 3:17)

And that makes me feel like a princess. A Warrior Princess. A muddy feet and messy hair princess that has a Daddy who loves her very, very much.

Because of that I can teach those little precious girls that they are Princesses too.

That they are each and every one, Jesus’ Little Princess.

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord. Psalm 45:11

Crown

© Cassandra Rankin, This Crazy Little Farm

Heartbeats and America Man

It’s November 5th and he’s still wearing his Halloween costume. One of those padded, muscly superhero get ups…America Man. That’s what he calls it. Captain America. You know the one. Not much more than a long sleeved unitard with some padding along the arms and chest. I saw one just like it at our church trunk-or-treat only it was on a full grown man with a cute little pot belly.

Evidently America Man costumes come in all sizes.

He runs to me in the mornings, usually the first of my four up to greet the day and greet his Mama. Always my high energy, free-spirited one, the fourth in a line of children that came fast and close in years. He tires me the most. And makes me melt the most too. He makes me understand why there are country songs written about being the baby of a family.

And he climbs up in my lap every morning and tells me “Good morning Mom.” And we sit like we’re doing the spider on the swings and just hug.

He needs his hair cut. I probably should give him a bath today. When was the last time he did his math work? He needs to put some clothes on. Some variation of one of those is usually the stream through my head during our morning snuggle.

Sometimes when the pressure is building all around, don’t the “shoulds” whisper so loudly you can just forget to turn them off?

Except this morning, when America Man came running it was different.

This morning, after he climbed up and settled in close, I felt his little heart beating.

Just like that, with the equivalent of a pillow on his chest, I felt the steady thump thump of his five-year-old heart, probably just the size of a small lime. Straight through all that America Man and straight through all that muscle and straight through the air between us and right onto my chest, I felt it.

The shoulds got silent and I just sat with him.

And ran my fingers through his long hair.

Breathed in his sweet and stinky little boy morning aroma.

Wondered how it is that my newborn, lastborn babe is already a math whiz kindergartner who learned that a shape with eight sides is called an octagon without Mama even teaching him.

Soaked up the peace that he’s so comfortable here he doesn’t even feel the need to put on clothes most days…or change out of his stained up superhero costume.

And that moment made me love him even more.

So we just hugged while I felt his heartbeat.

I’ve got his picture by Jeremiah 1:5 in my Bible.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you….

When we climb up into God’s lap, doesn’t he feel our heart beat straight through all our padding and all our muscles and all our America Man?

And when my costume gets dirty and dingy and stinky and frayed…

…doesn’t He still love? Love us all the more?

When we run to Him first, when we draw our strength for the day straight from the hug of our Father, doesn’t He run His fingers through our hair and sit quiet with us and listen to our heart beat straight through our superhero costume?

Before He formed us in the womb, He knew us.

My boy will probably have another woman in his life someday. Someone else listening to the thump thump of his little heartbeat.
Only then it won’t be so little.

Only then, it will be louder and stronger and truer and hopefully it will be following the beat of his Daddy’s heart who follows the beat of his Father’s heart and then…

…straight through all the padding and all the muscles and all the America Man, she’ll be able to hear it, to feel it, right up against her chest, right up against their life together.

He turns his brown, long-haired head and puts his ear up to the other side of my chest.

“Mama I hear your heart in there.”

He’s listening.

That sound right there son, that’s the sound of my love for you.

“Ah, the smell of my son is like the smell of a field that the LORD has blessed.” ~Genesis 27:27

OCTOBER 2013 030

© Cassandra Rankin, This Crazy Little Farm

Life is Messy and Things Aren’t Always Little on this Crazy Little Farm

    “…for every animal of the forest is mine, and the cattle on a thousand hills. I know every bird in the mountains, and the creatures of the field are mine.” ~Psalm 50:10-11

We’ve had our little farm just three years. Not long in the grand scheme of things. But you’d be amazed what a mama can learn in three years, especially when it comes to animals. And kids of course.

An especially poignant day comes to mind when this mama found herself in the surreal situation of stuffing the way-back of her Ford Expedition full to the ceiling before sunup one morning, cages and kennels teetering while she drove through the early morning dark, her children’s faces in the rearview, solemnly brushing the lint off their white fancy shirts, combing their hair and their coon skin caps and quietly practicing their showmanship routine.

Guinea pig shows will do that to a family. You see, this raising animals gig ain’t for the faint of heart. I said it after my kids raised the roof and cleaned house with their little pig herd, winning ribbons and prizes and honorable mentions as I just sat bewildered, shaking my head slowly. I told the judge then and I maintain it now, you just never know what road you’re gonna travel once you become a mother.piggies

And that’s the way it is with farm life too. We’re little. We have pets on the barnyard, not dairy cows or beef cattle. Our little herd of mini horses and goats are just fun family members who fill our table talk and empty our checking account. We’re not pros, heck we have to pray for strength and fortitude before we even butcher up a few chickens. Big ranchers are tough and strong and get thrown off bulls and cut their hands on barbed wire. We’re what you’d call a much softer, fluffier version of that. Think petting zoo. But not quite as cute. That’s us. With a buncha guinea pigs and a two-toed rooster thrown in.

Large scale farmers or not though, we’ve still learned a peck about life from these crazy animals. In fact, I’d venture to say I’ve learned more about life and love and how this whole operation works in the three little years we’ve had this crazy little farm than I probably did in all the years before hand. You see, when God made animals, He gave them to us humans to take care of. And yes, some animals are with us just for companionship and to keep our feet warm at night, and that’s a wonderful thing. But there’s more to it too.

The way I figure it, as long as this big old world keeps spinning, and no matter what happens on it, there will always be animals. Always. For friendship, for work, for transportation, for eats. Where there are people, there will be animals. And as long as there are animals, there will always be a need for people who know how to care for them. So that’s what we’re doing. We’ve set out to learn. We’re learning how to care for animals. And in learning how to care for animals, we’re learning a whole bunch about how to care for people too. These are just a few of the tidbits we’ve garnered:

Life is messy. Farm life isn’t like what we see on t.v. The farms on t.v. have us thinking barns clean themselves, manure evaporates, animals quietly graze on grass all their livelong days and no one ever gets sick. Or when they do, a quick visit from the vet fixes them up lickety split. Life, real life, is messy.

And you’ll more than once find yourself standing in a pile of poop, wondering how you got there, and having no other option than to just take your shovel and get after it. But after a few times of mucking, it’ll get to become a little more familiar. It won’t be so alarming after you’ve been through it once or twice. You’ll get better at dealing with the poop. And you might even start to figure out ways to head off big messes. But it’s still going to always be there. In life, there’s poop. You just gotta learn to deal with it.

Life is unpredictable. You learn to deal with messes and may even get good at it. But then, on farms, and in life, something’ll get thrown at you that you have no idea where it came from or how to deal with it. The pony will get sick and you’ll find yourself giving him shots in the neck twice a day for two weeks straight even though you can barely calm the shaking in your hands. Or the hedgehog will develop a very sudden onset of Wobbly Hedgehog Syndrome one morning which will force you to ask your husband twelve hours later if he wouldn’t mind just getting it over with by gently sending the poor animal to the hereafter while you and the kids run into town. Things happen that you’d never even think of when you woke up in the morning and the older you get, the harder it is to deal with sudden happenings, but the easier it gets too because when it comes down to it, isn’t that real life? Interruptions…Surprises…Messes…Unpredictable.

Life needs our attention. When you’ve got critters, you study them close and you study them long. You come to know what an animal needs from you. You understand more than anyone else on earth what they need for food, shelter, routine, training, affection. That animal has specific needs as an individual. You are the person that been commissioned to meet the needs of that critter. If I don’t study the critters on my barnyard, if I don’t know what they need, I’ll wake up one morning to a loose animal, a sick animal or a dead animal. It’s my job to give them my attention.

This life needs our attention.

Careers, worship, recreation, sports, education…all contain one common thing: people. There are people under my roof I need to study close and I need to study long. They have needs that only I can meet. I’ve been commissioned. I need to know how they learn, what their favorites are, what makes them thrive, what makes them shrivel.

Who needs your attention? Study them close and study them long. Make sure they’re warm and fed and sheltered and that they have your affection. We don’t want our people lost, or sick or spiritually dead.

Life needs our commitment. As I write, it is six degrees below zero. Yesterday it was 15 below, the day before 17 below zero. It gets dark at 4:30 p.m. This will go on for months, at least four, usually more like five, depending on our weather pattern. The animals on our barnyard don’t comprehend these details, but they have a keen understanding of when they’re too cold, when their water has frozen solid, when it’s chow time and who brings these things to them. Life isn’t a joy ride. It gets ugly, it gets messy and it gets cold. You have to do it anyway. Because you committed to it and because there are critters, and people, who need you.

Take care of the outcasts. Every herd has an outcast. That one who’s never invited in, who tends to stand off alone, sometimes by choice, but most times because they’re driven off. Jesus took care of them. We have to love them. And they’ll love you right back. Forever.

My little horse is an outcast. So she eats first on our farm. Every day. She still bristles though when I want to come in close. Her first instinct is to want to run. But when I use my soft voice, and gently reach out to her, she’ll come in close and let me hug her neck. She stands still and her eyes go soft. She’ll blink, almost in puzzlement. Then she’ll sigh. She receives my love. She knows that I love her even though something in her just wants to run. Even though she feels outside of the herd, she knows she is safe with me.

I’m an outcast. Somewhere, somehow, aren’t you one too? Don’t we all sometimes feel like we don’t fit? Like we want to bristle? To run? And if you don’t, trust me, someone you know does. We’re walking and talking with folks on this planet every day who’ve been run off, who aren’t invited in, who are just plain scared of the herd. Love them. Jesus told us to. You might help heal their heart. And you’ll both have a friend forever.

Kindness usually works. When an animal is mean, it is usually because it is scared or sick. Sometimes people are mean. They are usually scared or sick too. Don’t be mean back. Kindness usually works.

It doesn’t always go the way you’d hope. Death is part of life and even though we hate it, we’ll have to say goodbye to those we love. It will almost break your heart in two to see an animal you’ve loved, tended to, syringe fed, kept hydrated, administered shots to – lying there lifeless, eyes dull, no more movement in their once-strong muscles. It will break your heart in two to see the tears rolling down your children’s chins as they look on that same animal. But it will happen. It’s part of life’s natural process and seeing death in our animals helps us appreciate life with our people all the more.

Life requires help. It might be in the form of getting the sweet neighbor boys to do some work for you, or hiring a babysitter, or someone to mop your floors, or asking your best friend to go for a walk. We aren’t an island and this life wasn’t meant to be solitary and we need people. Especially during the extra messy times. When we try to walk it alone we walk it hard and in the hardness bitter is born. We need help.flat tire

It takes two. When I carry one bucket I’m a weakling. I slosh the water all over my pant leg and into my boot and bring a half empty haul to the trough. When I carry two I am strong like a teenaged boy and deliver full buckets to the barn. It’s uneven with one. Heavy. Too much to carry. It takes two. It’s balanced with two. God wasn’t kidding us when He said it right there in Ecclesiastes 4, “two are better than one”. Friend. Family. Spouse. Neighbor. Pair up with someone. Get a buddy. Share the load. In this life, it takes two.

There’s more. So much more.

Like how I’ve learned so much about my obedience to God when I train my misfit mini horse. How some animals will listen to certain people but treat others like poo on a shoe. How maddening that is, in animal world and in people world.

sun bathing rubyHow sneaky little goats make you think they’re the cutest thing in the world and then you turn your back and they cause a ruckus that raises the roof, much like a willful and exploratory two-year-old.

How a rabbit will warn all in the hutch of oncoming danger. They look out for one another and will even let kits from another nest nurse and move into their nest if need be. They instinctively take care of the helpless.

How some things are just good plain fun to watch and bring tranquility. Like a flock of chickens. Talk about boring and tranquil entertainment. And even then, there’s the blessing of eggs. Life doesn’t always have to be serious and industrious. We sometimes need a little boring entertainment. A place to sit. Something goofy to watch.

And when we do, even in the boring…
…we’ll find blessing.kit in Daddy's hands

© Cassandra Rankin, This Crazy Little Farm