Tag Archives: birthday

Birthdays and Beaches and Turning Forty-Two

Sometimes a mama can get busy and when that happens, every little interruption becomes a big interruption and then pretty soon the baby who’s not really a baby anymore comes in and his big brown eyes well over and he hugs long and tight and he says “Mama the sign at the hardware store says ‘don’t be so busy making a living that you forget to live the life you made'”. DSC_0877

And my heart quivers in my chest a little and even though it’s just a short-term project that’s taken me away from my normal everyday routine for the past week, to them…a week without mama is a long time.

It worked out nicely that it rained so hard over my birthday…our outdoorsy stuff could be put on hold. And by the time they all got home from shopping with Daddy for Mama -how they love to spoil me with hair pretties and earrings and construction paper cards- everyone was too tired to go to the movie we were all itching to see.

So I kept on working.

And he kept on coming in for extra hugs.

I pushed the guilt aside, no time for stopping when there are already too many stops to get this thing done.

But then today, after the third solid day it dawned on me.

We’ve weathered cancer and we’ve weathered loss and we’ve weathered pain and we’ve weathered struggle and along with all the weathering there have been stops to get out of the rain and if we didn’t stop we might’ve just shriveled and is that what He meant when He said Be Still and Know that I am God?

If I DON’T stop working, my baby might stop hugging.

The project will get done.

The work will be finished.

The computer will still be waiting.

But my babies are growing.

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This weekend I turned forty-two, and half my life is on the wind and if this body faces aging and if Jesus waits to call me Home, I may have another forty-two years on this old planet here, and that’s only four more times to celebrate the really big anniversaries with my beloved and that’s only thirty-one more times to have birthday parties for my babies before they’ve all gone on to not be babies anymore and that’s only forty-two more times that they’ll all squish right on up next to me and whisper and squeal in delight as I slowly and suspensefully rip open their little packages wrapped with layers of paper towel and newspaper and tied messy with all the Christmas ribbon in the world.

If I’m not still and set the projects aside and let the to-do list lie down for a rest, how will they know I love this life we made more than I love making the living?

I shut the computer down and asked my husband to take us to our favorite beach.

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And we celebrated my birthday.

We celebrated the beauty of this earth God made.

We celebrated family.

And we celebrated life.

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He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10

More With Me Than Without

I opened my eyes and do what I normally do, grab my iPhone. Kept close for an alarm, it serves as a way to get some things done before my feet hit the floor and my mind hits the day.

But then I remembered.

There is someone I need to talk to first.

Thank you for another day Jesus. I want to be a good steward of this day and all you’ve given. Thank you for a heart that beats and lungs that breathe and for your gift of salvation. Thank you for loving me even when I am unlovable.

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How easy is it to just plow ahead and forget? How many days of forgetting until we just forget altogether? Why does our to-do list claw at the fiber of our day, every day?

And isn’t a soul at peace after a talk with the Lord?

The big warm man next to me fills his side of the bed and as he reminds me in not-quite-wakefulness that today is my birthday and says more with me than without now, I remember.

I’d just turned twenty-one when we wed. Just a pup. A bawling, demanding pup and now, today, I turn forty-two so that means I’ve officially been married to this man half my life.

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I try not to bawl and demand so much now.

I still feel like a pup most days though.

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How does it go so fast?

How does time claw at the fiber of our days and make them go so fast that sometimes we forget?

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want the next twenty-one years to go as fast as these.

I want to embrace every moment now. Embrace my people. All my people. This life.

Half my life in this life and what’s the second half going to bring?

Thank you Jesus for the breath in my lungs and the blood in my body and the good man in my bed and the beautiful children in my heart and the family who holds us and the friends who love us and help me to be a good and then better steward of it all. Help me not bawl and demand like the pup I still drag around on the leash you cut for me so long ago.

Help me cherish each moment and help me not forget even for a second.

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The kids make me pancakes and sing. Two besties text precious blessings and my mama calls to celebrate all these years of being my mama. Facebook fills up just like my heart and then Chuck the house- quail screams his raptor scream and it mixes with all the house and in it I hear life is nutty and life is fast but birthdays are good and all the days are good so embrace every last ounce of them.

And all these sounds…all these people…all these critters…

…these are the things that help me not forget.

And I embrace the day.

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Hit rewind, click delete.  Stand face to face with the younger me… All of the mistakes… All of the heartbreak… Here’s what I’d do differently, I’d 

 Love like I’m not scared,  Give when it’s not fair,  Live life for another,  Take time for a brother
Fight for the weak ones,  Speak out for freedom,  Find faith in the battle,  Stand tall but above it all
Fix my eyes on You
~On You~

(Fix My Eyes, For King and Country)

 

Last Day of a Decade

My life is no longer than the width of my hand. An entire lifetime is just a moment to you; human existence is but a breath.  Psalm 39:5

On the last dIphone photos Summer 2013 501ay of her twenties it was all new.

New in the marriage that, at a decade old, was starting to change. New in the child that was not yet two. New in the friends that were coming into her life. New in not working the job she once loved to instead work each day in her warm old house. New in the baby that was still at her breast.

And it was especially new in the Book she was reading, that anthology of 66 that was teaching her so many things…so, so many of them…all brand new.

New ways of living. New ways of learning. New ways of growing. New ways of reacting. New ways of saying yes. New ways of saying no. New ways of trusting.

She was fresh up from the water.

New.

And when she turned thirty, her friends came and her husband smiled and her heart beamed. And she wondered.

The old could still cling on.

She wasn’t sure what the pull inside was exactly, it just felt…new.

So she kept following it. Even when the old pulled on.

Then two more babies later, and many more times in that Book, through that Book…late night prayers and late night tears and missing him when he had to go to work, sometimes far away, and loving him when he came home, and smiling when he too came up fresh out of the water, and learning how those children grow and how they act and how they love and what makes them giggle…and praying, praying all the years along and then one day soon before she knows it…

…it’s the last day of another decade.

And it’s not the old kind of new anymore.

It feels like a different kind of new.

A comfortable new. A familiar new. A warm new.

An old new.

It might not be a new new but in this life, isn’t every day new?

A sunrise, a good morning smile, jobs waiting, chores to be done, friends to be made, people to love. Another day, just one day, fresh, ours, air into the lungs, God into the heart.

New.

The old can still cling on, but not so much anymore.

The last day of her thirties she smiled the whole day through.

Through the leaky roof and the chores and the blue tarp and the mud and the rain that just went on and on.

When her boy, not near two now, but near on twelve, did the wet and cold and messy man work on the farm while his Daddy worked hard for their paycheck, her heart smiled and she thought of him as a toddler. Back then he liked to help Mama bake cookies, his strong mama who held him tight. He liked to help her do the fun work of homemaking. Now he likes to help his mama with the hard work, the ugly work of farm making. She doesn’t have to be so strong when he’s there. Almost a man he shows her.

And her heart smiles joy.

That girl, that baby just a decade ago, she tends too, but she tends tender and keeps the young ones inside, warm and dry and away from the parts of farm life that just might hurt a heart too young. She protects without even knowing that’s what she’s doing and because she does, they get a little more time to just be little. Almost a mama that girl could be.

And her heart smiles love.

Those other two, precious babies, so tall now but always her babies, coming in the first half of the decade, they hold her heart and make her smile. Growing so big. But still so fresh. So young. So new.

And her heart smiles peace.

And that old that clings on doesn’t cling so tight.

And the new she feels is an older new.

A wiser new.

A thankful new.

What can another decade bring? This marriage, still new but almost crossing the two-decade line; these children, growing so strong, learning so much, changing each minute;  these friends, holding her up, making her laugh and growing with her year by year, what more could come?

What new could come?

Could it be here in that Book? That Book, that 66 volume Book, old but so fresh.

Alive.

Active.

Ancient.

New.

She flips through its pages that last week and realizes how much more she wants to learn. There is so much more to know about Him, that One who wrote it for her, for all of them, and she looks forward to a whole new decade of learning…reading…studying…growing.

The old that clings on now is the old that smiles.

Her history.

The path that brought her round on to Him.

The road to Jesus that marched her straight through her thirties. That two-track that feels like the road she always wanted to take…the road she never wants to veer off of.

She feels the pull and it still feels…new.

New ways of living. New ways of learning. New ways of growing. New ways of reacting. New ways of saying yes. New ways of saying no. New ways of trusting.

How much more can another decade bring when the past ten years brought so much?

Those are the things she ponders up in her heart on that day….

… the last day of a decade.

Ancient words ever true…Changing me and changing you…We have come with open hearts…Oh, let the ancient words impartImage